Attachment Styles: How do you relate to your partner?


Attachment style defines how we relate to others as an adult, especially in an intimate relationship. Theorists believe that our adult attachment style is linked to our childhood. The type of attachment you made as a child with your parents, siblings, caretaker or any other important people in your proximity, paves way for adult attachment styles. 

Currently, the field recognizes 4 major types of Attachment Styles:


1. Secure Attachment


As a child, he/she may be visibly upset when the parent/caretaker leaves but also easily soothed when they return. They communicate more positive emotions when parents talk to them. They prefer parents to a stranger. 

As an adult, he/she is capable of being independent. They have trusting and lasting relationships. They tend to have good self-esteem and share their emotions easily. They actively seek out social support. 


‘It is easy for me to get close to others, and I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me’



2. Anxious - Preoccupied Attachment

As a child, he/she may be considerably distressed when the parent/caretaker leaves and does not seem to be soothed even upon their arrival. The child may passively reject the parent/caretaker by refusing comfort or sometimes resort to aggression towards the parent. They are extremely suspicious of strangers.


As an adult, they are dependent on the other person. They are unable to form deep meaningful relationships and always tend to worry if their partner loves them. This leads to frequent breakups. They also tend to be distraught after a breakup.  


‘I want to be extremely emotionally close (merge) with others, but others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t love or value me and will abandon me. My inordinate need for closeness scares people away.’  



3. Avoidant - Dismissive Attachment

As a child, he/she actively avoids the parent/caretaker. This becomes especially pronounced after a period of absence. They don’t tend to seek comfort from parents. They don’t seem to have a preference between a parent and a complete stranger. 

As an adult, they find it difficult to depend on others. They have difficulty in being intimate or close to someone. They also tend to engage in more casual relationships and sex. They have difficulty sharing their feelings.

‘I am uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust and depend on others and prefer that others do not depend on me. It is very important that I feel independent and self-sufficient. My partner wants me to be more intimate than I am comfortable being.’



4. Disorganized Attachment

As a child, they show features of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles. 

As an adult, they are uncomfortable with intimacy but still worry whether their partner loves them. They are sometimes antisocial and lacking in remorse or empathy. They may be scared of a past traumatic memory.


‘I am uncomfortable getting close to others and find it difficult to trust and depend on them. I worry I will be hurt if I get close to my partner.’



Find out your Attachment Style!

You can click here to take a scale which will help you find your attachment style. Please note that the results attained are not 100% accurate but merely a suggestion. If you feel you have an insecure attachment style, kindly refer to the next post and start your self-transforming journey today!



References:


Levy, T. (2020). Four styles of adult attachment - Evergreen Psychotherapy Center. Retrieved 21 June 2020, from https://www.evergreenpsychotherapycenter.com/styles-adult-attachment/


What You Should Know About Attachment Styles. (2020). Retrieved 21 June 2020, from https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344

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